Nothing worse than trying to concieve and realizing that you are going to be out of town when you are supposed to ovulate. There is also no need to go through insane hot flashes for nothing when the only people you will be seeing during O time is your relatives at a family reunion. Darn hubby’s work schedule for making it impossible for him to come with me.
The Belly Rub
May 30, 2008 at 12:59 pm (ignorant people, infertility, miscarriage)
Tags: ignorance, infertility
When I was pregnant with my daughter everyone thought a giant belly was in invitation to rub on me. Never mind that I have a thing about personal space but it seemed to be fair game and the bigger I got the more I got violated by strangers commenting on how big I was. Fast forward to now and 5 years have passed since i was big and pregnant however the flat tummy never returned and we have gotten the inquisitive question of when we were going to have another and I try and put it out of my head that they are ignortant and don’t know any better. But, as the months hit years and at this point I am pretty blunt with my answers now and am open in saying I don’t know if I can have more and that usually shuts people up quickly. I am not looking for the pity party for poor defective Steph, I just don’t want to repeat the conversation and infertility is usually a topic that produces some awkard silence that lets me escape the suffocating truth that I may never get pregnant again.
Which brings me to a few weeks ago and I feel like I have been replaying this nightmare in my head over and over. I got dressed and thought I looked ok. I did my hair and my make up and for me to have both done is pretty much a bonus. So, I go to church and an aquaintence approaches me and gushes how wonderful I look. Hard not to blush at a compliment like that. I wish she would have shut up then because it was followed up by how much I am glowing and how pregnancy is aggreeing with me, complete with the unwanted belly rub. I wanted to vomit. I looked at her sternly and said “I am not pregnant, I am fat. Thanks for reminding me and apparently pregnancy doesn’t agree with me or I wouldn’t have had the pain of miscarriage and infertility.” She then said, “Oh, I was just kidding, that is something my daddy used to say to all women, are you sure you are not pregnant?” Um, yes you must be correct in fact this period I am on and the cramps that had me doubled over last night must signify that I am with child. Nice save lady, not.
I had hopes that this might be the month
May 29, 2008 at 6:21 pm (infertility, luteal phase defect, opk, stupid af)
Tags: infertility, luteal phase defect
But, reality came crashing down early. I had some blazing postive OPK’s this month and my chart was looking good and then on 6 dpo I got a symptom that I had never had. Sure, I have gotten excited in the past over sore breasts and every twinge and cramp, but this month I had spotting. I thought for sure at 6 dpo with a temperature dip that it was really happening. Until the next day when the spotting turned to full on flow to give my hopes a reason to wave the white flag. A 7 day luteal phase! WTH!!! I have been known to have a short lp, but 7 days is freaking ridiculous. It has been years of trying and yet you never get used to that awful feeling of disappointment when AF arrives. I feel like my body is failing me.
My name is Steph and I am apparently infertile…
May 29, 2008 at 6:08 pm (infertility)
Tags: infertility
We really should have a support group that we could get in a circle and share the stories and emotions that come with infertility issues. Most days I am strong and the rest of the world even those I am close to are usually unaware that an unstable and bitter monster lives within me that can’t grasp why the rest of the world can acheive pregancy while after 3.5 years I remain unable to. I should say that I have the most gorgeous daughter who is 4.5 and is the light of my life. Had I had never had her then maybe I could get past this longing to be pregnant but she gave light to my dark times and laughter to my quiet days and hugs and affirmations of everything I have ever wanted to be…a mom. So, let this be my disclaimer that I am blissfully happy with my daughter and my longing to have another doesn’t for one second minimize the blessing I have in being her mom.
